Archive for the Mumblings Category

A confession

Posted in Adoption, Mumblings on April 21, 2009 by Brad

I have been trying to decide what to with this blog. I no longer write here very often. Partly because when I do take the time to write something of substance, I have to deal with it being picked to pieces. Which is OK, that is why I write it in a public environment. But at the same time it is disheartening because even people who are supposed to be on “my side” take exception to my comments on occasion. If I am not even understood by those who should understand me best, obviously I am not writing well enough and thereby making matters worse.

So, I closed the blog for awhile. And I debated deleting. I looked over some of my old posts. And I found this. And I am ashamed because I must confess that now I cannot recall when Lamia sat properly on her own for the first time, despite fretting over Sprog’s parents not being able to remember the same thing about him. Guess I do not deserve Lamia either.

But anyways, I could not bring myself to delete the old posts. Some of them are important reminders of my own imperfection and mortality. Others may just possibly be read by someone who learns something and just maybe gets to be a dad instead of a birth father because of something I have said. Probably not. But you never know.

So it stays, and I will update with fluff and stories for Lamia. And maybe one day I will finish writing out the adoption story. When I really feel the need to punish myself.

Thank you to everyone who has read and commented over the years (just realized this blog recently had its third birthday).

Scent of a woman

Posted in Mumblings on March 25, 2009 by Brad

Honestly. I thought it was bad enough that we ran out of shower gel so we are now using some lavender body wash that my wife was given for Christmas by an elderly relative. I smell an awful lot like flowers.

And then the hot water system, she explode.

So now I smell like sweat mixed with lavender,  lavishly applied to the body with a damp and uncomfortably temperate washcloth.

You really wanted to know this, huh?

Miracles and milestones

Posted in Mumblings on January 28, 2009 by Brad

I have not yet gotten around to addressing the many thoughtful comments on my previous post, nor have I managed to continue on my original thought train. These past few days have hosted a series of momentous events in my life, the least of which is I am celebrating two years sobriety. I will address the adoption chasm post in the near future. Promise.

Blame, entitlement and the adoption chasm

Posted in Mumblings on January 16, 2009 by Brad

I am inspired by Dawn – or at least the commentary on this post of hers. I am not sure I can cover everything that is in my head in one sitting. I may never make it. But bear with me.

In particular, the comment from akeeyu grabbed my attention.

You know, not all infertile couples adopt, so railing against infertile women is kind of…eh.

Also, isn’t anybody else’s head tilting like the RCA dog’s? All this talk of infertile women feeling entitled to everybody’s babies, and so little talk about infertile men, or infertile couples. Just women.

Men are so rarely included in well… anything baby related. Admittedly, we do not get pregnant. But neither do adoptive moms, so what is with this whole mystic mother thing?

Our judgemental, misogynistic, misandrist society is to blame, that is what.  Because a womanly woman is expected to want to be a mother. And a manly man is expected not to give a crap about the progeny, just about the act of creating the progeny, and all the practice involved. For a man to be the driving force behind having kids is practically unheard of. Modern men may stand stoically by in the delivery room instead of smoking in the cafeteria while we wait for a nurse to bring us the news that we have a son/daughter, but in most other respects we are still cave men when it comes to babies.

And yet the irony of it all is – the presence of a man (or lack thereof) is often the driving force behind voluntary adoption.

The chasm between men and women is just as important as the chasm between adoptive and birth parents, and in both cases it is the child who falls into the chasm while we yell over their head.

And now for something completely different – blame.

Here is a little anecdote. Several years ago I was involved in an automobile wreck. I was not the driver, and the driver of the vehicle I was passenger in was not at fault either. Some tiny old lady in an enormous SUV decided to pull out right in front of us, and my left leg was smashed to pieces in the impact. I went through months of painful surgery and rehab because of the stupid bitch, and you bet I was bitter, because I had NO control over the situation and it was clearly not my fault. I would have felt better if she would at least have said sorry, but legal liability and all – I understand why she never did.

Some months before that, a friend of mine was involved in a similar wreck – except in this case, she was the one who pulled out in front of someone. Because she was my friend, my initial reaction was to ensure that she was OK, reassure her that she was not a terrible person for causing an accident, and console her over the loss of her car. I gave not the slightest thought to the poor sap who smashed into the side of her and for all I know could have died.

Now that I have been the poor sap (or at least in the poor sap’s car) I often wonder what happened to that person. Being put in that position flicked a light on.

So, trying to place myself in the shoes of an infertile couple…

In most cases, infertility just happens. It is not because of anything you did. You are just a passenger on this ride. I can see how you would be bitter. And then to be demonized for wanting a child by those who can have children but voluntarily gave them up and are now whining about it? Well sheesh, I can see how you would not have a whole lot of sympathy.  When you place a baby for adoption, you are ostensibly in control of your vehicle. You may be hampered by a back seat driver (family member/priest/social worker etc) telling you what you should do, and in the heat of the moment you may take that advice, but bottom line it was your choice. Even before that, getting in the car was your choice (you had sex). So yeah, I actually can see where the entitlement comes from.

And on that bombshell, I am going to get coffee. May finish this later.


Posted in Mumblings on October 28, 2008 by Brad

We just finished decorating my daughter’s room. Yes, she did turn 1 last month. Yes, it did take that long to get all the furniture. We bought it on eBay. Her room looks amazing now. A real little girl room. It finally looks homely and inviting instead of just a place for her to rest her weary head.

Like so many things, I put off decorating her room. I made excuses in my own mind – she was only a baby, she did not need anything fancy. Her room looked just fine with cardboard boxes instead of a table, she would never notice that it was not pretty. Thing is, I noticed. Every time I walked in there I felt just a little guilty that I had not at least covered the boxes with cute paper or something. My wife also is a champion procrastinator, and turns out she felt exactly the same way. We have both made a habit of leaving things until the last minute. Taxes. Cleaning. Yard work. You know, all the not-fun stuff. And yet when we finally get around to doing those things, especially to beautifying our surroundings, it feels so good. I always wonder why we never did it earlier. But then the next time something needs done, back we go to the procrastination.

So this is my pledge. No more procrastination. Every day, I will do at least one thing that I desperately want to put off. One thing to enrich my family’s life. Because my daughter deserves to have nice things, even if she is too young to truly appreciate it.

… and another one down

Posted in Mumblings on October 7, 2008 by Brad

Where the hell did Dan go?

Incidentally, if my readers from Baton Rouge and Seattle could please identify themselves, I would be a whole lot less nervous and less inclined to follow Dan et al into oblivion.

Sing like no one is listening

Dance like no one is watching

Blog like no one you know is reading…

There need to be more pink WordPress themes

Posted in Mumblings on October 2, 2008 by Brad

This blog is pink for the month of October in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I apologize for the suckiness of the layout, but unfortunately this hideous theme is the only pink one readily available on the WordPress site.

Most families have been touched by breast cancer in some way. My mother was diagnosed when I was 16 and it was a horrible time for our family.

For some understanding of the heartache, please read Judy, who has been kind enough to chronicle her journey and share it with us. I hope our support gives her strength in return.