A confession

I have been trying to decide what to with this blog. I no longer write here very often. Partly because when I do take the time to write something of substance, I have to deal with it being picked to pieces. Which is OK, that is why I write it in a public environment. But at the same time it is disheartening because even people who are supposed to be on “my side” take exception to my comments on occasion. If I am not even understood by those who should understand me best, obviously I am not writing well enough and thereby making matters worse.

So, I closed the blog for awhile. And I debated deleting. I looked over some of my old posts. And I found this. And I am ashamed because I must confess that now I cannot recall when Lamia sat properly on her own for the first time, despite fretting over Sprog’s parents not being able to remember the same thing about him. Guess I do not deserve Lamia either.

But anyways, I could not bring myself to delete the old posts. Some of them are important reminders of my own imperfection and mortality. Others may just possibly be read by someone who learns something and just maybe gets to be a dad instead of a birth father because of something I have said. Probably not. But you never know.

So it stays, and I will update with fluff and stories for Lamia. And maybe one day I will finish writing out the adoption story. When I really feel the need to punish myself.

Thank you to everyone who has read and commented over the years (just realized this blog recently had its third birthday).


7 Responses to “A confession”

  1. tHank you for sharing your voice. we need more dads to speak up. mothrs and children are not the only ones traumitized by the loss of each other.

    best of luck to you.

  2. I have a couple of thoughts on this, as I have my own blog that sometimes is busy and other times neglected.

    First, it’s your blog. Just because others can read it doesn’t mean that you owe people anything in particular. If over time there is some evolution in the kinds of things you want to write about, go ahead and evolve. If you want to write nothing for a while, and then write a lot, that’s up to you too. I think of it as sort of a journal, just not a secret journal.

    Second, about comments. It’s true that, when you write about adoption, you get some unconstructive comments. You can, as I’m sure you know, set up comments so that they aren’t posted until you approve them. Or that only “approved” posters can add comments until you review them. You may still get unconstructive comments, but at least you don’t have to keep them as part of your record here.

    I’ve noticed that, despite how different we all are, and how different our circumstances and journeys are, there are a lot of people who feel very strongly about adoption, and believe that their experience and their feelings are the only legitimate ones. When you get comments like that, it isn’t really a critique of you, it is their own narcisissim, brought on by their pain, no doubt, but still their own.

    I think you seem like a cool guy, and a good dad, and I enjoy stopping by whenever Bloglines tells me you have something new to say.

  3. Glad you are not closing permanently. Whatever you write about is fine… doesn’t have to be adoption.

    Oh and I am regularly embarrassed by my rants and and ungracious feelings towards M’s aparents. I figure some day though I’ll be able to look back at all that stuff and see a record of how I got from point A to point B. Which could be useful.

    How is the pregnancy coming, btw? How are baby preparations?

  4. I’ve never taken exception to a single thing you’ve said. I think you are an insightful, thoughtful person. Also, you’re pretty funny, too.

    Don’t beat yourself up over not knowing every little detail of Lamia’s early life. Please. I honestly can’t tell you when Bean sat up or the first time he took a step or two. I stopped keeping up his baby book in mere months.

    What’s important is loving them, and it’s obvious you love your kid (soon to be kids, plural!).

    I’m always happy to read Lamia and Newbabycomingsoon stories. I hope you’ll write them often.

    Stay cool.

  5. “And I am ashamed because I must confess that now I cannot recall when Lamia sat properly on her own for the first time, despite fretting over Sprog’s parents not being able to remember the same thing about him. Guess I do not deserve Lamia either.” Oh my goodness would you please just STOP beating yourself up? As I recall, when you did make those comments you got lots of feedback that it is perfectly normal to forget these things and not at all indicative of your parenting ability (or not). Great parents forget things like when their child said their 3rd new word or sat up etc – this is why we write this stuff down. We don’t forget, though, to feed, clothe, get medical care for, play with and teach our children how to be strong, capable people.

    Remember, I could not (and still can’t) remember when Danno sat up. I do remember to say “I love you” and show him love through hugs & kisses every day. Which do you think he cares more about? Which helps him grow into a confident, caring adult? That is and will always be what is important and is what makes you ‘deserve’ to be raising a child.

    We’re also all very good former (and even current) armchair quarterbacks when it comes to parenting – everyone’s got the ‘best way’ to do it and to not do it and is happy to share with everyone their thoughts. Like any of us really knows. So, we’ve all had to eat our words (“I would NEVER take my baby to a fancy restaurant – I’d get a sitter!” (guilty)).

    So, go easy on yourself. Write what you want, when you want. It’s not for us you write anyhow (though I DO like to see posts just to ‘keep in touch’ my friend).

    Be gentle with yourself, enjoy each day, and just hang in.


  6. Larisa Says:

    Wasn’t it a confession, along with a thought, that set you out on your healing path long ago? We’ve all traveled a great distance, and I am better for having read your honest and soulful writings over the years.

  7. I hope you will reconsider…

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