I am going to be a daddy

It came as somthing of a surprise. For the record, the most frightening words a wife can utter in the presence of her husband are “Can you remember when I had my last period?”

Of course, the test was positive. Strangely, among my first thoughts was “Perhaps we can get Sprog’s parents to take this one too”. A large part of me thinks I have absolutely no business being someone’s daddy. People keep telling me I will be an awesome dad, but what they are basing this on seems pretty tenuous (I think they are basing it on the fact that they like me).

My brain is once again telling me that I have nothing to offer this child. Hell, I barely even have a job right now. The very idea of shopping for strollers and baby capsules makes me ill. I am not the right person for the position. Nope, really not. But then I have dreams like the one I had last night, where my child has just been born and I am holding him (or her). My hands remember that feeling. My soul will kill to have that again. It is better than any drug. I want this more than anything else in the world.

I feel so selfish. Incredibly selfish. Isn’t it supposed to be about what is best for the child? How can I possibly think I am the best thing for my son or daughter? How can I possibly think I will not fuck this up in the most hideous way?

Grr. Argh.

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21 Responses to “I am going to be a daddy”

  1. YAY, FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

    Been waiting for this post!

    Okay. This right here: “feel so selfish. Incredibly selfish. Isn’t it supposed to be about what is best for the child? How can I possibly think I am the best thing for my son or daughter? How can I possibly think I will not fuck this up in the most hideous way?”

    That is crazy fucko agency smack, right there. (Yes that’s a real term.)BANISH IT FROM YOUR HEAD. Immediately. Right now.

    If you absolutely MUST think about “the best,” then go over and read some adoptee blogs where they talk about not feeling like they fit in with their adoptive families, where they miss their natural families, and where they feel it WAS a significant loss, being relinquished. *BUT NOTE: Practice giving yourself healthy doses of compassion, first, so that you don’t end up hating yourself for relinquishing Sprog in an effort to feel good about parenting New Kid.*

    Yes am full of assvice tonight. Sorry.

    Oh and are you questioning my judgment of character? Because fuck yeah, I’m basing my assessment of your daddy potential on the fact that I like you. But guess what? I tend to like people because they have some really outstanding character traits–the kinds of traits that can and do very easily translate into good parenting qualities.

    Good daddy material about you: Smart (yes, I actually do think that helps). Extremely honest. Kind. Willing to talk about emotions. Willing to listen to other people talk about emotions. Thoughtful.

    Hell yeah, you’ll be an AWESOME dad.

  2. fantastic. congrats. good wishes. wonderful. i am thrilled for you and missus. you will be and already are a wonderful dad.

  3. How can I possibly think I am the best thing for my son or daughter?

    Alternatively: How can you possibly think you’re not?

    Congratulations!!

  4. Larisa Says:

    Parenting is a wholly selfish act … good thing that what makes us feel pretty darn good is also what’s best for our children.

    The good thing is that you don’t have to parent in a vacuum. They are amazingly intuitive creatures that give you loads of feedback, are full of forgiveness, and provide many opportunities for “do overs”. So drop any presumptions of appearing perfect or best in his/her(/their??) eyes, and just limp along like the rest of us 😀

  5. My hands remember that feeling. My soul will kill to have that again. It is better than any drug. I want this more than anything else in the world.

    God, Brad, you just made me get all teary eyed.

    The thing is that even the most “prepared” parents, the ones that have every book and know every last detail about parenting… suck, too. You will be no different than every last parent on the planet. You will fly by the seat of your pants. You will make mistakes. You will wonder, “What the eff?” And you know what? You’ll be amazing at all of it.

    Congratulations, Brad. I’m very happy to hear this news. 🙂

  6. Jensboys Says:

    HOLY COW!! Hooray for you guys! And congratulations.

    You know, no matter what, we ALL feel that way before, and for an incredible amount of time after the arrival of parenting. My kids are 12,11,9 and 5 and some days I STILL feel that way.

    And you know, no matter what, Brad Jr. will adore you because you ARE daddy.

  7. What Larisa said. Look, none of us is ever sure we’ll be good parents. I was pretty confident I’d stink at it. DH- yeah, he was going to be a great Dad (and he is). Me, though? Not so sure. In fact pretty sure the kid would have a great dad and a hopefully tolerable mom.

    So it’s very wierd for me when people tell me what a great Mom I am. I still don’t quite believe it, and it’s been 5 years.

    We are all selfish. What’s wrong with that? It’s to be concerned with ones self, and hey, if you’re not concerned with your self, who will be?

    It’s selfish to parent. It’s selfish to not parent. It’s selfish to terminate a pregnancy. All three can also be viewed as ‘selfless’. OK.

    So….take a deep breath and jump in the pool with the rest of us. Accept that there are no coincidences, that this like every thing else happens for a reason. Really.

  8. Oh yeah Table 9 – that’s me, Regina 🙂

  9. Big congratulations. And I second all of the other comments, especially mom2one’s remark.

  10. Very big congratulations!

  11. Everything I have ever read on your blog leads me to believe that you are FULLY prepared to be a Dad! I am so thrilled for you!!! Enjoy every single second.

    Jennifer

  12. I am really, really happy for you. And I know it will be a roller coaster. But I think you are totally up for it and will be a fantastic dad (you already are).

  13. momseekingpeace Says:

    AHHH, what great news! Congratulations.

    The fact that you put it all out there and are willing to talk about your feelinings and deal with them is a really great quality.
    MSP

  14. kim.kim Says:

    I’d be freaked too so soon after a relapse. Do as many meetings as possible, vigilante the program and get yourself in as strong an emotional state as possible.

    You have all the important qualitites a dad needs,a huge capacity for love and humility and a desire to be a good dad.

  15. look i dont know to what god or universal deity i owe for my parenthood and believe me i have days where i feel exactly what you’ve written here.

    we dont get to choose how it happens. we can only learn to adjust. we can only allow our hearts to expand. i tell young moms the best fun i had was buying baby clothes and giving her a name. once they start walking and talking it’s all over. that’s when the real jop of parenting begins.

    im the first to admit im not the greatest parent. i fuck up all the time. but i think whats important is that my kid knows she is loved beyond belief. the rest sort of works itself out.

    dont deny yourself this blessing. you CAN do it. banish the bad voices. those voices would kill us if we let em.

    peace,

    Ka

  16. Anon of Australia Says:

    Congratulations and cheers, never fear our purpose in life is to love and be loved. If you never got it your time around it time to start, Yes you can. I’ve had the same news more recenly, my first, sorry our first. I pray you your wife and bub all health. Much love

  17. Congratulations!
    I was 19 when I gave up my daughter and 35 when my son was born. What a different experience!

    A word of advice for you and the little one’s mom: talk to your midwife or ob/gyn about post-partum depression. I suffered terribly after both of my kids were born. And it’s not unusual for firstmoms to experience it.

    I stumbled on your blog today and I have to say, it’s really great to hear a birthfather’s thoughts. My daughter’s bf fell in the category of Total Jerk, wanting to bring his new girlfriend to the hospital to see the baby.

    Dana

  18. maryreunited Says:

    Yay for you both! I found you via Suz btw I an one of her list friends and reunited with my daughter.. I wasnt ready either but you I did allright with the my other ones.. You will be fine you will see!
    Mary

  19. Somehow I found your blog today and based on what I’ve read so far, I think you’ll be a terrific dad! It would be cool if my father turns out to be kind of like you.

    I’ve been hesitating to really, seriously, obsessively search for my natural father for many, many years… I’m not exactly sure why. Fear of being denied, probably. But – now, with a first father’s POV to refer to (yours), I think I’m finally ready. Wish me luck! And speed – the guy is in his mid-70’s by now!

  20. hi dude congrats . i know how you feel i am in same possition , finanicial but also thinking i cant do this . and in mine case this is hard aswell she lives in usa me in europe . but i can say i never felt so good before in my life . u can only do your best , im sure you do great

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