Ain’t it fun when you know that you’re gonna die young

I think the investigation required to respond adequately to this comment from Regina is worthy of a post all its own, rather than trying to answer in my comments section.

Interesting…that which has caused you so much (the most?) pain is that which has transformed you… If not for Sprog, and if not for the sacrifice of (parenting) Sprog, would you still be a junkie?

I must admit that for a long time I maintained that I would never have been a junkie at all if not for Sprog’s placement. I never considered myself an addict until a scant few weeks before his birth when I tried to quit and discovered I could not. Maybe I had been an addict a long time and just never realized it because I had never tried to stop before, or maybe it was because my usage increased during my girlfriend’s pregnancy. I had never injected anything before that, ever. The very thought of mutilating myself with needles, loading my veins with filthy crap, was abhorrent to me. Someone asked me once what possessed me to start using needles, and I really had no concrete, reasonable answer. “Desperation”, I guess.

If we were (or I was) responsible for parenting Sprog, I would like to think that I would have cleaned up an awful lot quicker. Whether or not I truly would have, I cannot say. It has taken more than six years to get to where I am today, and while most of that time was spent using, most of it was also spent wishing I did not have to. In fact, I spent most of the time trying (but not really trying) to quit. I would go on a run for days or weeks, just getting loaded and damn the consequences (“fuck it all and fucking no regrets” being my catch-cry). Then I would run out of money and my conscience would start to prick me so I would make a half-assed attempt at quitting, fail miserably and go into maintenance mode – using just enough to keep me from dissolving into a sobbing mess and telling everyone who tried to intervene to get the fuck off my back because I was a functional addict. Honestly, functional addict? Sheesh. /facepalm

If Sprog had never existed, would I still be a junkie? Would I ever have been one? I honestly do not know. I hazard to say that if I had become a junkie, I still would be one today. I cannot think of a good enough reason not to be.

I guess it is alot to put on a kid. The notion that their fate determined their father’s fate too. So in practice I try very hard not to equate where I am at and where I have been with Sprog-related incidents. He is not responsible for me using. He is not responsible for me quitting. I would hate for him to ever think that anything he did would have repercussions that huge on me. These were not his choices, they were mine.

My writing skills are woefully inadequate, so I cannot possibly explain the complex nuances surrounding this issue. I would be lying if I said that things that happen in my life regarding Sprog do not affect me. They do. Every time I see a new picture of him, hear his voice on the phone, see his name in his own baby handwriting at the foot of a letter, even hear his name uttered by a complete stranger talking to her own boy, every time it is like the air is gone from the room and time stands still as I wait for it to hit. FROM HELL’S HEART, I STAB AT THEE! Like a head-on collision, those crystal moments where you can see individual pieces of broken vehicle hanging in the air like a scene from The Matrix and you think if the moment lasts long enough you can get out and glue all the pieces back together and everything will be OK. But then there is the jarring jolt and you realize you are too badly hurt to face the light so you shut your eyes and reach inside for the familiar and the safe. It may sound hideously wrong for a syringe full of filthy crap to be familiar and safe, but in my hands it feels like salvation and in my veins it feels like peace.

So yeah, do not wish me peace either.


9 Responses to “Ain’t it fun when you know that you’re gonna die young”

  1. So, that which is your damnation is also your salvation.

    “So in practice I try very hard not to equate where I am at and where I have been with Sprog-related incidents.”

    But you do. That is not faulty, it is truth. Where you are at and where you have been for the past 6 years equate very much with Sprog and Sprog related ‘incidents’. Disassociating them is dishonoring them.

    What is faulty is excusing the choices, allowing the Beast to use them to keep you captive. So much easier to do that, so much harder to fight, and when the world says “Poor Brad, so torn up about this he has to use” it’s super-easy. Except that’s not really what the Beast is about, is it?

    Thoughts. (As always, “Fuck you Regina” is an acceptable response BTW)


  2. I imagine it’s hard to claim a gain at the loss of Sprog regardless of whether there’s truth in it. I agree with Regina though that it’s important for you not ignore the associations that exist. When a user’s truth is not reconciled, it screams to be medicated.

    And your “Lucky Star” entry made me all weepy *sniff*. On the previous entry, it’s not so much that one shouldn’t have a high opinion of you, but a reminder that everyone deserves a deeper look in the forgiveness department … except for the asshole contractor who just tried to rip me off for a grand.

  3. Ah this is hard to explain. The attempts to dissociate my addiction from Sprog’s adoption are for his benefit, not mine, because I do not want him to at any time perceive that my choices were his responsibility. I am responsible for where his life ended up, not vice versa. I do not want him to be one of those adoptees in reunion who feels that he is expected to mend all the holes in his birth parents’ lives. He should never feel like he has to make amends for fucking up my life, because he did not. In saying that I would not have been an addict if not for placing Sprog, I am basically saying that his placement made me an addict. Not that HE made me an addict, but that his LOSS did – but nonetheless, it sits awfully close.

    The Beast will always find an excuse. Anything Sprog-related is an easy target, certainly. But six years after the fact, I suspect the world thinks I should be over it. Time to move on. So, come home from a bad day at work and a toke would sure be nice. Just to relax and wind down… dope would work better, just need to relax. I DESERVE IT.

    Oh yeah. That little phrase right there is the real downfall. It works in every scenario. Deserve to feel shitty? Might as well wallow. Deserve to feel better? This will help…

    It is all about justification and self-manipulation. The Beast knows which buttons to press.

  4. okay, so i wont wish you peace.

    but damn, sometimes i hate how much you can trigger me. i wish i could write about half the stuff you trigger – but i cannot. at least not publicly.

    great post. i can relate though on a somewhat different level.

  5. You can email me privately if you like Suz. sommsffs at gmail dot com. Although as part of your adoring public you probably cannot write about it to me either. But the offer is there.

  6. My adoring public? Haha. Yeah, right.

  7. Hi, I’d like to share with ya’ll a new and very important book about adoption:

    America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
    by Mirah Riben
    Foreword by Evelyn Robinson

    Projected Release Date: Feb 15, 2007


    Stork mar·ket. (stôrk märkt) n. 1. exposé of the corruption in the adoption industry; the fine line between black and gray market adoption; scams, coercion and exploitation. 2. an in-depth report on the international market where children are the commodity being bought and sold to the highest bidders including pedophiles with prices based on quality (i.e. age, skin color) of the merchandise and set as high as ‘desperate’ consumers continue to be willing to pay. 3. an examination of the myths of adoption that put the needs of adults, and those who profit from their desperation, before the needs of children who need homes. 4. an extensively researched and documented book that asks if adoption can be fixed—the money aspect removed and government controls and regulations put in place—or abolished in favor of permanent guardianship, or informal adoption sans the issuance of falsified birth certificates. 5. goes further than Riben’s groundbreaking, award-winning “shedding light on…The Dark Side of Adoption” (1988) which was excerpted in Social Issues Review Series, Utne Reader and Microcosm USA. 7. reveals, for the first time in print, Riben’s role in the notorious Joel Steinberg murder case.


    “Riben has done it again. Once again, as in Dark Side, she has pulled back the covers and exposed the unpleasant truths and problems that need to be addressed in American adoption practices. While difficult, when we remove the rose-colored glasses many view adoption through, the conclusions that Riben comes to are inarguable. Most impressive on every count….well researched and thought out.” Annette Baran, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., co-author The Adoption Triangle

    Mirah Riben writes that she refuses to give up. This book—a wonderful and well-integrated mix of approaches—part analysis, part case studies from the front lines, part handbook, part up-to-date law and policy review—is a testament to Riben’s powerful and enduring commitment to the rights and needs of vulnerable women and their children. Riben’s book is a clear, bright blueprint for change. Rickie Solinger, historian and author of Pregnancy and Power: A Short History of Reproductive Politics in America

    “Combines the historical and legal perspective with really hard hitting journalism.” Maureen Flatley, political consultant and media advisor specializing in child welfare and adoption

  8. momseekingpeace Says:

    I feel such empathy for what you feel, ((((Brad))))

    Its hard to get over something when its not over.


  9. Where are you? How are you? I hope that you will blog again soon.

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