Anatomy of a relapse

I take a walk outside
I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I’m spinning, oh, I’m spinning
How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything.

All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything.
All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be.

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine.

“Black” – Pearl Jam

I am morose, yes. I meticulously planned my suicide. I am tired, so tired. This year, I had thought, will be different. This year, I know where I stand. I have a new outlook. I am sober. This year, I can face it, I can fight the good fight and come out unscathed.

Complacency claims another victim. Shame burns like flamed alcohol on my skin. I am disgusted at myself. I do not want to start from the beginning again. Not sure I can force myself to continue to drag my repugnant demi-corpse through this life. Yet somehow I am unable to follow that meticulous Plan. Impasse. But to curl up and cease to exist… I know how to do that, in spirit.

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12 Responses to “Anatomy of a relapse”

  1. Starting at the beginning is the only option. You are not alone in this world, and that is both blessing and burden. Use both to start again. {{B}}

  2. ((((BRAD))))

  3. {{{{brad the dad}}}}

  4. Thanks all. Larisa, I removed the (almost) duplicate, hope that is OK.

    I really am not a dad.

  5. Jensboys Says:

    ((((Brad))))

  6. Brad.

    Congratulations on 48 hours clean.

    Pick up and keep going. I’ll hold your hand if it helps.

  7. kim.kim Says:

    Did you relapse?

    Never mind, keep going, start again, that’s the only thing you can do.

    I relapsed tons of times, once I had a relasped the day before my 1 year clean anniversary – can you imagine?

    All the cool people who stay clean have relapsed. It’s part of the journey.

    Glad to be clean and sober today in my 9th consecutive year.

    One day at a time.
    I was glad to have 48 hours after my last and hopefully final relapse. We only need 24 hours at at time.

    I’m proud of you Brad.

  8. Good Morning,
    Claude from OUSA gave me your name. We are looking for dads to be on our show to be aired Jan. 21. Could we talk to you about being a guest to share your story? Please e-mail me at: lilyh.tas@gmail.com

    Lily Fran Harris
    Assistant Producer / Guest Coordinator
    The Adoption Show
    Voices Ending the Myth…
    http://www.theadoptionshow.com
    416 537-3977

  9. Christine Says:

    Bleh.

  10. peacefullyseeking Says:

    (((Brad)))

  11. Relapsed… yeah. On Sprog’s birthday, I was ready for it so I squashed all desire. And then the day after, I was ambushed right when I thought I had gotten through it all safely. Must remember to never, ever let my guard down. And also not feel bad about pouring away beer when friends leave it at my house.

    I must be way cool. Lost count of the number of relapses. I did have over a year clean at one time. Yeah, relapsing a day before the one year anniversary would be crushing.

    Anyways, another 24 hours and another meeting under my belt. It is all good. And although initially I thought if I was going to relapse, might as well fuck it up good and proper, the reality is that I still have 4 clean months in my life that I would not otherwise have had, and though there are a couple of not-so-stellar days in the past week requiring me to start counting at day 1 again, they by no means minimize those 4 clean months or the good that they have brought.

  12. Thinking of you and hoping you are back on your way up. Birthdays are so tough.

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