Sorry about the fluff

I have been avoiding posting anything about adoption or addiction these past couple weeks. Which is silly, because that is why this blog is here. Just I have been having difficulty separating issues out from intimate details, and I do not want to post intimate details here for obvious reasons.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago I spent some time with my son’s father and he sent me down a path of self-discovery. I realized things which had been lurking but never really surfaced. Things like…

I did not really want to get/stay clean. Using drugs was an excuse not to deal with having a kid and recognizing my place in the adoption triad. I kind of knew that already. What I did not do before was put myself in Sprog’s shoes and see that I am indirectly placing blame on him for me being an addict. Woah. So not cool. And the truth is, me being a fuck-up does not make Sprog’s parents any more his parents than they already are. It does not make them better parents, in fact it makes it harder on them as parents when they have to try to explain to him why I am flaky.

Sprog lives with them. He is their son. He will always be their son – no matter what – and nothing I do, good or bad, will ever change that. So there is no logical purpose behind my self-destruction. I can continue to fuck myself up, and sometime in the future Sprog might be able to say that he is glad he did not have to live with me because it would have sucked. Or I can quit wallowing and create an environment that Sprog can be proud to have come from. Do I want his pride, or his pity?

I am feeling better about recovery than I ever have before. There was always a measure of guilt to being clean and sober, but that is gone now. It is OK to be clean.

Now I just have to reconcile my guilt about not doing this before he was born. My guilt at what amounts to choosing a stack of white powder over my beautiful son.


4 Responses to “Sorry about the fluff”

  1. Great job staying clean. Can’t be easy. I lost a good friend 10 years ago.

    Your post about the power of equality is great and I enjoy hearing from a birthfather.

  2. reunionwritings Says:

    Being clean and sober makes me emotionally available for my daughter.

    I love being in recovery, it’s so much better than being in active addiction.

    Great post.

  3. Lots and lots of smiles.

    You know, we were having a discussion on SoA the other day that made me think of you and Sprog.

    Everyone was arguing about whether it is good for adoptees to hear their bio parents say, “I regret losing you, I wish I would have kept you.”

    Some people said that’s bad to say, because it places guilt on them, makes them feel like they are the reason we are in so much pain.

    Some people (several adoptees) said no, it’s good to say, how could it hurt to hear that your bio parents wanted/want to be with you? That actually it is healing.

    And then there was a little bit of discussion about how maybe it is the manner it’s said in, and whether it’s said in an adoptee-focused way or a bio parent-focused way, that makes the difference.

    Like… If I tell Moonbeam “your adoption hurt me so much, it gives me terrible pain, OMG I could hardly endure it,” that is pretty me-focused. And could easily make her feel responsible for my pain.

    But if I say, “I regret placing you, because I love you and it’s normal to want to be with people you love,” that is much more child-focused.

    Difference being, do you let your child glimpse your pain in order to get validation for yourself, or in order to reassure your child s/he is loved?

    Anyway… sorry this is so long… but the discussion made me realize that if I can be healthy and enjoy life, despite the adoption, there is a much better chance of me being able to tell her the truth about the regret in a manner that is meant to validate HER, not me.

    So for me, that is motivation to continue getting healthy, and to stay healthy.

    Which brings me to you and Sprog… I don’t think it’s your duty to validate for him that he’s in the right family, that his adoption was necessary. Which is what it sounds like you were thinking, before your realizations. It’s not your job to prove to him that he is better off without you. It will be up to him to decide all that. It’s just your job to validate to him that you love him. (And to give him his genetic heritage.)And I think you have a much better chance of showing your love for him, in a way he can really believe and feel, if you are clean. You know?

    So anyway. Sorry for the long comment. Really, what it boils down to is: I think this is fabulous, and that staying clean is the best thing for BOTH you and Sprog.

    So. Congratulations–you’re doing awesome. I dare say Sprog will be very, very proud of his dad, looking back on the whole story some day.

  4. Thanks for your thoughts.

    Nicole, you never ever have to be sorry for anything you post. I appreciate the thought you put in and I love reading you.

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