One reservation down

A few nights ago, very late, I confessed to someone that I was still holding on to a secret stash of dope. We discussed my justification of it (I am very good at justification) and we discussed other plausible explanations. Then I sat on it for awhile.

Justification: Having dope in the house, but not using, was a way of being in control. It was a test of resolve. A reminder.

Yesterday, I confessed on SR and received a myriad of responses from the wonderful folks there. The vast majority advised me to get rid of the dope. Holding on to dope is holding on to reservations. It means I am not truly working the steps, not fully commited to the program.

In reality, sobriety scares me. It has been awhile since I have strung this many clean days together. The forever thing really gets to me, so having stuff in the house is a reminder that I can go back anytime. OK, so probably not good because when I hit one of my other reservations, keeping dope around makes it too easy. I argued that once I am in a frame of mind to use, I am going to use regardless of whether I can grab my stuff out of the kitchen cabinet, or whether I have to drive 50 miles for it. It am not sure that is entirely true though. So I should at least give myself the opportunity to change my mind.

Truth of the matter is, I was ready to toss it, I just needed a little help. I would not have let on that I still had it if I was not. So my sponsor came over tonight, and we had a ceremonial flushing.

I thought I would feel free, feel a weight lifted, but the truth is I want to go out and get some more now. It was a safety net, and a dope haze is where I feel safe.

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3 Responses to “One reservation down”

  1. congrats. very good for you. hang in there. seems like you are doing fantastic.

  2. Who needs a safety net made of razor wire? Keep on keeping on, B.

  3. reunionwritings Says:

    Sounds normal to me. I remember someone gave me a piece of hash about the size of my foot and I kept it for a while not knowing what to do with it. In the end I threw it away and the after felt really weirded out, all diseasy and stuff.
    The disease hates us throwing our stash away so a backlash follows.

    we only need to do this one day at a time.

    I agree with Suz, you are doing a great job.

    I love being clean because it means I have a chance. Whenever I am having a crap time it’s the one thing I can hang on to “at least I am clean so I have a chance”. If I wasn’t clean I would be in that black hole again.

    Thanks for reminding me and for getting the message out there.

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