Harpier cries, ‘Tis time, ’tis time!

Mmmm. Entrails.

So I was reading Suz, as is my habit, and she made me think, as is her habit. This particular article examined why she did not turn into a crack whore, which left me to ponder why I did.

Disclaimer: I am actually not a crack whore either. I have never done crack in my life. Also pretty sure nobody has ever paid to have sex with me, although I would not be totally against it if they did. However, it would probably be a fairly poor investment on their part.

The fact of the matter is, I was a junkie before Sprog’s adoption. So it is not that I became anything exactly… it was merely a continuation of what already was. I was in a hospital bathroom shooting dope minutes before he came into the world. I believe the anticipation of the adoption had a hand in it. Somewhere deep inside, I knew the situation was brimming over with wrongability, I knew I should have been preparing to parent my son. And so I dedicated the months of my girlfriend’s pregnancy to fucking myself up until it became clear that I was incapable of parenting. I needed a reason to go through with what we had planned, and I worked hard to create one. I did good, huh?

So we come to now… and the internal conflict of wanting Sprog to meet someone worthwhile at our annual visits versus the guilt inherent in getting clean and becoming someone who could be a very fine father. Because if I stay clean, then the reason behind his placement would be only temporary, and I have used a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem. So part of me wants to stay fucked up so that he can rationalize his adoption, so that he can see that his life with me would have been a continuing wasteland, so that he does not look at my life and wish he was living it. But on the other hand, I want to be someone he can be proud of. Nobody is proud to be the son of a junkie. And I do not want to set a bad example.

I have never cared too much what people think of me. But this one person, this one little kid… it really, really matters to me. And, like Suz said… I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

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5 Responses to “Harpier cries, ‘Tis time, ’tis time!”

  1. reunionwritings Says:

    Being an addict in recovery and having multiple years clean and sober, I can relate to what you write here. You might want to get clean just so you can have a better life, that can be reason enough. One of the good things about being clean when I went into reunion with my daughter was that I can be emotionally available for her.

    If 12 step meetings don’t work for you then keep searching for something that does. I love being clean, it’s so much better than being in active addiction.

  2. Still working on loving being clean. But at least I can wear t-shirts without worrying about the state of my arms now that summer is over. Heh.

    The thing with 12 step programs, I am comfortable with them now. Other programs seem weird and alienesque and I do not want to have to learn all this new language when I have bigger things to worry about. So I stick with the 12 steps despite never truly getting beyond step 2 and undoubtedly driving my sponsor to distraction. I am learning to make it work for me. Slowly, but I am learning.

  3. reunionwritings Says:

    The 12 steps got me going, I went to meetings for years and years and years. I’m so glad you are in the program, it changed my life.

  4. ooh, wee. i feel so special.
    (kidding.)
    glad i made you think and yeah, i agree of course. we are damned. no matter what we do. its one day at a time and hope for the best. live for yourself and hope that you live the best life and become the best person and that your child will understand that when the time comes.
    a good friend recently told me something:
    “trust the connection”. your son will know. believe in yourself and in the power of that connection.

  5. i had to come back and read this today and i just loved it. the lines on being a crack whore, getting paid for sex made me chuckle. love your wit and sarcasm.

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