I am definitely a fraud

I have been lying about my clean time. I should have had 90 clean days by September 11 (prophetic, no?).

September 11 will, in fact, mark 53 days clean.

I did not use my drug of choice. What I did was comparatively harmless, and I did it calculatingly, knowing that if I did not use that drug I would use something worse. And so I told myself it did not count and I continued to count my clean days as if nothing had happened. I did not want to lose my precious orange chip.

This has been niggling at me for weeks. Recovery is about being honest with yourself and others, and I have been neither. My green chip will truly be earned on September 18. The red will just have to wait its turn.

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7 Responses to “I am definitely a fraud”

  1. hard won honesty with self is something to celebrate in itself.

  2. Congrats on removing that foot from the slippery slope. It seems it would have been easy to rationalize throwing in the towel after that, trying to maintain two counts to boot. I say count this one as a success my friend.

  3. So, umm… a big huge congratulations is in order here. CONGRATS!

    53 days is AWESOME.

  4. congrats on 53 days and on acknowledging it wasnt 90. both deserve huge kudos.

  5. 53 days is better than when you slipped at 37. So it’s already a step ahead. And I am proud of you, not just for the days, but for being honest with yourself. And I’m glad the slip was only a day and not an ongoing slip. Sometimes (haha, sometimes, make it sound easy, eh)it’s hard to just stop with one day or one use.

  6. Thanks everyone. 53 today.

  7. reunionwritings Says:

    Oh I should have read this before leaving my other comment. I relapsed tons of times, it’s ok. 53 days is amazing.

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