Archive for September, 2006

69 dudes!

Posted in Addiction on September 28, 2006 by Brad

I tried to resist, but I could not. Day 69 and feelin’ fine!


The… what now?… of birth fathers

Posted in Adoption, Rants on September 26, 2006 by Brad

Certainly can’t be rights. Fathers do not deserve rights, especially not fathers who have considered adoption. Not judging by this comment:

If you say you’re going to sign the papers and have been saying it all along, sign the damn papers, asshole.

Yes, someone actually said that. I am not going to specify who or where, because I hope to Hendrix it was a throwaway comment uttered in the heat of an emotional moment. If anyone seriously wants to lay claim to it though, please do say so and I will implement all the appropriate links.

The gist of the back story is that a couple experiencing an unplanned pregnancy made an adoption plan. The father had claimed for the seven months of the match with an adoptive family that he intended to sign relinquishment papers. After the baby was born and had been with the adoptive family for three days, he decided not to do so. The comment above was made ostensibly in support of the adoptive family who lost the placement.

Sign the damn papers, asshole. OK… uh… why? Because he said he would? Yeah… so?

So let me run a little hypothetical by you. Let us say that a couple find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. They make an appointment for an abortion. In the weeks leading up to the appointment they are adamant that abortion is the solution for them. They get to the clinic, she is on the table ready to go… and suddenly they have changed their minds. Abortion seems like a bad idea now they are faced with the stark reality. But… they made an appointment. They said this is what they wanted to do. Abort the damn baby, asshole. Shit, that sounds pretty uncaring huh? Surely nobody would expect someone to abort their baby just because that is what they had originally planned.

Ya think?

Obviously some people just don’t. Fuck me.


One reservation down

Posted in Addiction on September 21, 2006 by Brad

A few nights ago, very late, I confessed to someone that I was still holding on to a secret stash of dope. We discussed my justification of it (I am very good at justification) and we discussed other plausible explanations. Then I sat on it for awhile.

Justification: Having dope in the house, but not using, was a way of being in control. It was a test of resolve. A reminder.

Yesterday, I confessed on SR and received a myriad of responses from the wonderful folks there. The vast majority advised me to get rid of the dope. Holding on to dope is holding on to reservations. It means I am not truly working the steps, not fully commited to the program.

In reality, sobriety scares me. It has been awhile since I have strung this many clean days together. The forever thing really gets to me, so having stuff in the house is a reminder that I can go back anytime. OK, so probably not good because when I hit one of my other reservations, keeping dope around makes it too easy. I argued that once I am in a frame of mind to use, I am going to use regardless of whether I can grab my stuff out of the kitchen cabinet, or whether I have to drive 50 miles for it. It am not sure that is entirely true though. So I should at least give myself the opportunity to change my mind.

Truth of the matter is, I was ready to toss it, I just needed a little help. I would not have let on that I still had it if I was not. So my sponsor came over tonight, and we had a ceremonial flushing.

I thought I would feel free, feel a weight lifted, but the truth is I want to go out and get some more now. It was a safety net, and a dope haze is where I feel safe.

The power of equality

Posted in Adoption on September 20, 2006 by Brad

Adoption is one of those situations where equality just does not happen. There is no way it can. So at different times, each member of the triad walks on egg shells in an attempt not to offend the other, fearing consequences which may arise from that.

In these days of open adoption, the hopeful adoptive parents tiptoe around the pregnant woman, sugar coating everything they say and do in the fear that one wrong move will cause her to change her mind and parent, or choose another set of parents for her baby. Sometimes they gang up on the father with her, because nothing says solidarity like the demonization of another. Fair enough, they want her to know they are on her side.

Then the adoption occurs, the baby is theirs, and suddenly the balance of power shifts. Now it is the birth parents who bow and scrape as they live in fear that one wrong move will mean they are cut off and they will have to wait the inhumane 18 years that so many unfortunate mothers and fathers were forced to wait in the past. Meanwhile, the adoptive parents have forgotten what it was like to live completely at the whim of someone else. That, no matter how logical or justified or right your actions are, it is the perception of your actions by the other party that is important. They make their choices based on how they feel, on what they perceive as the level of safety to the child, because the child is after all the important party. Any choice they make is totally justified if they can claim it is in the best interest of the child. A substance abusing birth parent, well that is just a massive threat. So you can imagine how carefully that person has to tread.

The last player in the cycle is the adoptee. Particularly in closed adoptions, the adoptee has to make the choice of whether or not to search for their birth family. Often they feel guilty by even thinking of searching because it would be seen as not valuing the family they have grown up with. The adoptive parents in this case still have a hold over the adult adoptee. Whether or not the adoptee is comfortable with searching often depends very much on how supportive their parents are. Some never search, for fear of upsetting their parents. What a burden to have thrust upon you.

Arrrrr me hearties!

Posted in Mumblings on September 19, 2006 by Brad

Aye, it’s talk like a pirate day, all ye scurvy swashbucklers. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Avast maties! Salute the Jolly Roger afore ye walk the plank. A-pirating we go.

Green eyed monster?

Posted in Addiction on September 18, 2006 by Brad

Nope, just an upgraded key tag!

I honestly did not expect to make it. Negativity has been biting my ass. Reservations of gargantuan proportions. I am lucky to have a great sponsor and some very good friends.

These dreams

Posted in Addiction, Veganism on September 18, 2006 by Brad

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in a candy store, and I watched them making red candy out of cow hearts. Then I ate the candy. It tasted good, but it was extremely sticky. Watching the girl dissect the cow heart was intensely graphic.

If I can have dope using dreams, I guess I can have meat eating dreams. Or it could just be a warning to check labels more carefully. Animal products hide where you least expect them.

Some of the dreams are so real I think I have slipped. I had one where I could not find a vein and I was frantic. I jabbed the needle in and I was hunting, could see the tip of the needle moving around under my skin. Then in my dream I nicked a nerve, and it woke me up. I could still feel my arm throbbing when I was awake.

And people wonder why I am an insomniac.