Destination: fulfilment

My wife asked me to throw out all our spices that are over a year old today. Damn, there were alot of them. We had allspice from 1997. That allspice has moved house with us several times. It was almost like tossing an old friend. All friends become a little bland after that many years, ya know?

It got me to thinking how long we have been together. It probably is time we had a baby. That topic has been at the center of several blistering discussions lately. On the other hand, bringing another life into ours just because we have been together awhile is patently ridiculous. My wife, however, claims that it is a basic biological urge which is bringing about this desire in her. Which of course, being in a thinking mood, got me to thinking about what kind of urge the urge to adopt is.

There is nothing biological about adopting, except in the case of relative adoption which is a different animal. Is it therefore possible for adoption to fulfill this biological need that so many women claim? Certainly it fulfills an emotional need, the need to nurture another living being, but in that case why is a dog not enough? I have heard it said that people coming to adoption have come to realize that they do not need to experience a pregnancy, all they want is a child. This makes a certain degree of sense – pregnancy which does not result in a child is generally a heart rendingly sad event. Definitely the end result is what is desired – a child. Does the journey matter?

When I look at pictures of my son, I can single out certain features and say who they come from. His mother’s eyes, my mouth, his grandmother’s nose. In these heady days of open adoption, his adoptive parents can do that too. But never will they get to say that he has any of their features. He will always have my mouth, not J’s. Sprog’s (adoptive) mother is always quick to point out that he got his mischievous streak from me. I am sure she is trying to include me, validate my contribution, blah blah blah… but the cynic in me sees it as a way for her to lay blame at my feet everytime he gets in trouble. There is none of that buck-passing when you are raising your own biological offspring. He got that mischievous streak from you, and damn, you raised him badly too.

No, I do not really have a point. Just pondering the meandering tracks in the back of my mind. If you want to know what sent me off on this tangent, see here. She is rather more articulate than I.


5 Responses to “Destination: fulfilment”

  1. Maybe I’m deaf or something, but my biological clock never ticked. Really. I never had some blind urge to give birth. I have lots of blind urges to ‘practice’, mind you. *grin*

    For me, adopting was about sensing that there were qualities I wanted that I saw in parents around me. I wanted to be more like these people, and sensed that I would not gain those qualities simply by watching.

    I was right. DS has centered me in a way I consider miraculous. I’ve gained amazing patience (I am intrinsically NOT a patient person), and have finally figured out how to teach. I’ve learned that there is such a thing as complete, unqualified love, and that when Shakespeare wrote about unrequited love, he was talking about parents to their children. Because we children never ever love our parents like they love us.

    I’m becoming through my journey with DS a better person. Hopefully I’m raising one too.

    What adoption has taught me that I didn’t expect: how to share, and do it well. That there are things that transcend the known. That with my son came some amazing people I’m damn proud to call my family now who have taught me more about perserverence, strength and tenacity than I’d ever understood before. So that was the really cool bonus.

    OK that was really flowery. I would have loved to have been pregnant, for that experience. I didn’t go to the ends of the earth or medical science to do so, despite being at the back door of the world renowned Jones Institute, because honestly while it would have been great I didn’t find it imperative.



  2. good post. i like your meanderings. i do the same thing. my daughter has my eyes and hair, her fathers lips and chin, his hands, on and on. i have stared at pictures of her for hours and disected them for even more hours.

  3. From what I read about adoptive parents, (especially those who are infertile and never have children of their own) that even after they adopt, they long for the feeling of being pregnant, and notice that their mom friends never talk about pregnancy or birthing experiences around them.

    I believe that when they adopt, it is their second choice, and that adopting never fulfills their need to have a biological child.

    Imagine if you were the last biological person in your line of human line, dating back to the beginning of time? Even if you have brothers and sisters, it doesn’t matter, you’ve failed the reproductive duty to continue and grow. With this line of thought… being at angry at people who can reproduce must be huge. Hmm… that’s a new thought for me… Maybe that’s why people who adopt are so angry at the moms, because they never get over their jealousy at not being able to have their own children.

  4. and the dads too….

  5. I’ll take the being pregnant if I can pass up labor and delivery and parenting… So I guess, I’ll just bypass pregnancy, too. Though, sometimes, I’d really like to be pregnant again. Sometimes I entertain the fleeting thought of parenting another child. Then I come to my sences…

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