Genesis 1.0

For the elucidation of those who may have begun reading this blog without knowing me (I am so altruistic, it is not at all an attempt to reconcile the past with myself) I have decided to tell the story of my son’s adoption. To protect the identity of the innocent, he will be referred to affectionately as Sprog.

It was the year 2000. We had been living in Boston about two years at that time, and I was just starting to discover that the dream job I thought I had really wasn’t. I was working in the technology sector, one of those lucky people who spent 8 years at the same desk but worked for 3 different companies in that time. The project I was originally hired to work on was innovative, creative, inventive – all the things I have come to the conclusion I need to be happy in my chosen career. But it was apparently not commercially viable (ie, it was innovative, creative and inventive, not a cheap piece of crap with just enough features that people would buy it in droves) so the project was being wound down and I was becoming vaguely disillusioned.

I was in the throes of deciding it was time to move on when I discovered that my girlfriend was pregnant. Moving on suddenly seemed like a bad idea. I was going to be a daddy, and that was going to take money and stability. Two years out of college, first real job, and a baby on the way. So, unhappy though I was with the state of my working life, I chose to stick with it.

I went to the prenatal appointments with her. We discussed names, we talked about trading in the car for one that would fit a baby seat – and then she dropped the bomb shell. My girlfriend wanted to place our baby for adoption.

Why? I was 28. She was 25. We were not too young to be parents. But she did not think we were “together” enough. She was still in college, and wanted to finish that and have a career of her own. We partied an awful lot, and partied hard. Were we willing to give up our hedonistic lifestyle in favor of being cooped up at home with no money, half an education, and a baby? The money we had been saving towards owning our own home would likely fizzle away in a pile of dirty diapers. Maybe she was right and we really were not ready.

We went to the 20 week ultrasound knowing that Sprog was not coming home with us. I saw the first pictures of my son, unconvinced though I was that they actually bore any resemblance to a human being. Blobs, black blobs. I joked hollowly with the ultrasound technician. I was numb, almost as if my entire consciousness had detached from my body. I have no memory of leaving the doctor’s office or driving home. It was all on autopilot. I was to have many days like that in my future.

I do remember that night. I emancipated a bottle of tequila and took it to the cemetary, and I drank it with some pills I had gotten from a friend some time before. And I told myself I was doing the right thing.

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5 Responses to “Genesis 1.0”

  1. thanks so much for sharing this. i mean like seriously thanks. while i am in contact with my daughters father (we married other people) and he has shared SOME of what he felt during that time, i know its not complete. we need more male voices. more dads need to be heard. more men need to be involved, held responsible, given the chance to parent a child if the mother does not want to. i look forward to your continued posts.

  2. angelina Says:

    …visit #2:

    Again, thank you for posting this! Thank you for allowing me to have some of my countless questions answered. Part of my world in in turmoil and do not understand all the “whys”. I could not be happier regarding the issue we spoke about last week- what a blessing! However, the endless unanswered questions plague and torture me.

    Hopping you are having a peace-filled day and sending my best regards…

  3. ((Brad)) None of us felt like we had a choice. Thank you for sharing.

  4. I know it must be really hard to deal with the total loss of control over knowing that someone who you helped create will not be in your life. I am a birthmom and in some ways I think that I was blessed to be able to know the life inside me and all. For guys its hard to get you mind around it…
    Thanks for telling your story

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