Taking ownership

I finished Scar Tissue. It led me to some realizations.

  1. Anthony Kiedis is fucked up.
  2. I have many things in common with Anthony Kiedis, but I am also nothing like him.
  3. No matter what level you claim you will never stoop to, with the right set of triggers, you will.
  4. I use circular logic to justify my life choices.
  5. I blame my bad choices on others.

In reading Scar Tissue and a couple of other blogs, I have reached some conclusions.

My son’s adoption was necessary. Not totally sober is not good enough when there are kids around. But right there is where I used circular logic… because I was getting high to justify placing him for adoption. If I had just gotten clean, and stayed clean, he would have had a good life here. No need for that “better” life elsewhere.

So why didn’t I just get clean and stay clean? Ah, that was the fault of the program. I could never get my head around the 12 steps, because I never found any version of God as I knew him. Obviously the 12 step type of program is not for me. So I moved on to SMART, and that had too many acronyms and buzz words, really not my thing at all. So the programs failed me, you see.

So here is where I take ownership. I failed. If you do not throw yourself into the program 100%, you get nothing back out. As Anthony Kiedis said, you cannot put 70% in and expect to get 70% out. You put 70% in, you get nothing. And when you have relapsed so many times, you just start to think “Screw it. I know I won’t stay clean, so why go through the withdrawals.” Failure breeds failure. Being half-assed causes failure.

And so I wallow.

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7 Responses to “Taking ownership”

  1. Hey, bravo.

    One thing I’ve noticed, with the various addicts in my life, is that they have to hit a personal all-time low in order to start and stick with recovery. One friend did some jail time; one (elderly) relative had nerve damage that interferes with her walking. It seems like when the person is having some success in recovery – reaping the (sometimes meager) rewards of being clean/sober – they start to really have a LOT of regrets that they didn’t clean up just *before* that life-altering low point, instead of after it. But the low point is part of the path to recovery.

    I’m not saying that losses–particularly of the kind you’re dealing with–are not to be regretted. But it’s part of the whole schmear of having what I like to call a “troubled past.” You eventually have to own all of it but you also have to forgive youself for ALL of it.

    Ok, enough preaching. I’m pulling for you.

  2. no addiction problems here but plenty of them in my family with silbings and parents. in fact, it was my fathers drinking that contributed to me losing my daughter to adoption. so, yeah, my point is that I kinda understand and respect your position.

    best of luck working your program.

  3. Agencies and lawyers do everything possible to take children from their natural families. Why? Because it is a profitible business.

    If you do drugs, that is your issue, that you need to resolve unto yourself. I’d advise not allowing them to use it as an excuse to take away your child. Many parents keep their kids, and they do drugs. It’s a matter of who is the most vulnerable.

    I’d also recommend not using this as an excuse to keep using, because you have already lost your son.

    Peace.

  4. Braaaaaaaaaaaaad. 🙂

  5. mariette Says:

    I have never spoke to a….what’s the word….I hate labels, or is it that I hate the reality they represent?….in any case, never spoke to a male side of the coin if you will.

    apart from my ex.

    I have mixed feelings toward the word “addiction” as well. Who decided whether the use of drugs was the source of the problems in question, or if the drugs were a functional source of surviving through the problems in question? I think modern psych meds can be as damaging to the human psyche, soul, and brain chemistry as many street drugs.

    We do what we can to make it through the days. When it’s our own survival, I don’t think that there’s any thing to feel bad about using drugs as a crutch. Street or psych. If you don’t like the side effects, than detoxing them from your body and getting into holistic health and excersizing and being a health nut always seems to keep me occupied.

    But when you have kids it’s harder. Suddenly struggling at the bottom and making it through the days is affecting another soul. It’s hard because the way I look at holistic health and the functionality of addictions, I would think there would be needs that drugs meet that would have to be met before one could quit drugs and feel good about being alive.

    And maybe….just maybe there are some of us souls in the world who are in pain, regardless of using street drugs or not. Regardless of if psych doctors prescribe pills to rid the sorrows of existance or not. And what of the children of these folks? The people on the bottom are more at risk of desperate unplanned sex, that involves manipulation, that does not involve planning, security measures etc. Because the love is so needed. Because there is such earnest desperation.

    I have dreams, dreams of being the missing piece. Dreams of filling the lonely souls of the world with a love that soothes the pain and comforts the soul. Dreams of being what is needed, so that a human can be that love for their child.

    But what if there are souls who just have too much pain? With best of intentions a child will witness that. But I wonder too, is it really true that a child must never witness pain in order to feel loved and want to be alive? Is the pain of losing your family a better pain than being there with them through it all?

    I have no answers. Only more questions and dreams and wishes. It was good to here your writing. You’ll find something.

  6. Brad…..

    Where are you?

    Check in, okay?

    Smooches to ya.

  7. Very interesting site… I wish I could build one like yours!nancy

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