Sweet oblivion (aka coming out)

They say ignorance is bliss. (Who is “they”? The ones lacking in bliss, I would imagine. Which makes me one of “them”. Hah.)

Open adoption. The band-aid that does not quite cover the festering wound. The insidious trap for the unwary.

I have a son. (This is the coming out part – sorry if you were expecting something else). He is 5. He was placed in an open adoption at birth.

Open adoption is sold as a great thing for everyone. You can have an ongoing relationship with your child, how great is that? Except nobody points out that he will not be your child anymore. That you will have to watch him call someone else Daddy (while your soul screams “fucking impostor!”), that you will feel like a complete and total outsider, that you will be utterly impotent in every facet of his life. That every time you see him, every picture you receive, is a reminder of your ultimate failure to care for him as he deserved. That you will spend your days screaming on the inside, despising yourself, wallowing in shame and guilt, and powerless to close the disaster stricken floodgates.

Bitter at all, Brad?

I do have regrets. I have massive regrets. I am angry at myself for not having more faith in my own ability. I am angry that I let him go so easily. I am angry that I was told that, given the circumstances, I was doing the right thing for him. Nobody ever suggested cleaning up so that there were no circumstances. I fucked up.


6 Responses to “Sweet oblivion (aka coming out)”

  1. Yeah. It sucks. I wish none of us were a part of this “open adoption” club… the “watch your child call someone else mom or dad” club… the “do I tell people I have a kid when they ask, or not?, club.”
    It bites.

    On an unrelated note, I’m glad to see you in the blog world. ‘Cause you know I think you’re cool. =) Oh, and did you know that you can import your posts from Livejournal so that they’re all a part of your WordPress blog? (Um, wait, you’re more techy than me, never mind, you prob’ly realized that. K, shutting up.)

    Anyway, hugs and glad to see ya.


  2. Hi! I’m a birthmom in a struggling-to-be-open adoption, and I love what you have written here.

    My son is 7. I have many of the same feelings you do.

    By the way, I have a blog at LiveJournal and one at adoption.com (where I try to make sure unnecessary adoptions don’t happen–but we all know how hard that is). Good luck with your blog!

    – Heather

  3. So glad you’ve “come out.” So important to have a dad’s perspective in all of this.

    – Terri

  4. Thanks for the encouragement. It somewhat goes against the grain to put these thoughts so out there, so bear with me.

    Good info to know Nicole, but I think I will leave my LiveJournal where it is. The idea of starting fresh appeals.


  5. Lindsey Says:

    Glad you are talking about it sweetie :0)

  6. momseekingpeace Says:

    Im sorry you are one of us affeted by adoption, I too lost a son, only it was a closed adoption and its been 25 years. (Thankfully we are reunited)

    I am so glad you are sharing your story, I think hearing from the dads is important.


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