Archive for April, 2006

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted in Addiction, Mumblings on April 29, 2006 by Brad

I am very taken with the new Chili Peppers video/song, Dani California. I especially like the video. Must have been a bunch of fun to make that. I do Elvis better though.

I have been reading Kiedis's book, Scar Tissue. And I wonder how much of that he actually wrote, and how much influence came from others.  Personally, I would have liked to hear more about the music instead of every second sentence ending with "so I went and shot some china white". But, I get that shooting up was probably of more interest to him at the time. And I get why this book was pushed into my hands.

Have a margarita for me…

Posted in Mumblings on April 28, 2006 by Brad

This one goes out to the peeps going to Vegas in May.

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Kinda glad I am not going now…

My teenage Goth is showing

Posted in Mumblings on April 27, 2006 by Brad

I hardly ever wear eyeliner anymore. Honest!

As I read this blog, I realize what a depressing person I have become. Not to mention obsessive and self-absorbed (but that is what blogging is all about, right? If it can’t be All About Me [tm] here, then what is this space for?)

I appear to have invented a Time Machine. I am 16 again, unsure of my place in the world, questioning my own existence, and rabidly at odds with all authority. (I also have bad skin and tragic hair, but this is somewhat beside the point, given I am no longer trying to entice ladies to my boudoir.)

Maybe if I drive somewhere at 88mph, I will come back to my own time, and realize my dream of becoming an Elvis impersonator.

Winnie the Pooh

Posted in Mumblings on April 26, 2006 by Brad

Why are there grown women in the world who obsess over Winnie the Pooh?

What seams?

Posted in Adoption, Mumblings on April 26, 2006 by Brad

I am fraying. My defences are rubbing away and I am on edge. I feel I am approaching critical mass in some way.

Big badda-boom.
Leeloo Dallas. Multipass.

So I have been contemplating my navel, and my relationship (such as it is) with my son. Or my not-son.

It is weird. I do not know how I feel. There are no guidelines. How am I supposed to feel? The oh-so-helpful counselor, before the adoption, told me it was important for me to be there for my girlfriend. That she would need me to be strong for her. The idea that I would have feelings of my own? Preposterous.

So I held my son, after he was born, when he still was my son. And I felt things.

People have the gall to tell me that there is no such thing as a birth father. Because I did not give birth.

Fuck you.

I was there, at his birth. I was his father, at the time of his birth. Mine were the first hands in this world to cradle his little body. Mine, the first tears to fall on his skin. Mine, the hands that passed him to his mother, and mine the heart that died as he left my arms and my life. Don’t you dare tell me I will feel nothing, just because he was not carried within my body. He was my son, he was of my body, and you will not take those moments from me.

So where do you go, in a relationship that starts that way? How do you maintain a relationship with a child who you see for a week out of every 12 months? How do you come to terms with the tiny baby being a boy of five, with his own ideas and opinions (oh my God, the opinions – what does he think of me? What if he hates me? Ohshitohshitohshitohshit!) How do you know what to say, how to act? How do you know when you are crossing boundaries? When you are answering questions in a way his parents do not approve of? How do you know what to get him for his birthday when you do not know what he likes, or what is cool to a kid of five in 2006? When you do not know who he is? Where is the fucking manual?

I am not navigating a maze here. It is a wilderness. There is nothing here, no paths to choose between – no this way or that way. Somehow, I am supposed to come up with my own ideas, I am supposed to pull them from the nothingness. But there is no feedback for right ideas – only wrong. I know when I am doing wrong. Doing right is just expected.

I said it was not a convenient excuse for returning to old ways. But maybe it is. Because at least I know where I stand now. And maybe I welcome Consequences as Feedback.

Ideas as Opiates.

Sleep is underrated

Posted in Observations on April 25, 2006 by Brad

At least, it is when you start a new job the day after pulling an all-nighter.

There is rust on my unix skillz0rz.

Etymology of Disease

Posted in Addiction, Observations on April 24, 2006 by Brad

disĀ·ease n.

  1. A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.
  2. A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
  3. Obsolete. Lack of ease; trouble.

[Middle English disese, from Old French : des-, dis- + aise, ease; see ease.]
Source: The American HeritageĀ® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

These all fit the definition of “addiction”. The mind boggles. To me, disease requires a rash or something, at least.

Lack of ease. Is that the root of it? Is it some sort of capitulation when life is not easy? If I ask myself why… I have no answer. Could it be a genetic disorder? Maybe. There are many people who do not have easy lives, and yet they are not substance abusers. Are there addicts with easy lives? By definition, I think not… but maybe their lives started out easy. Maybe they had things too easy at the start, so that when things got hard, they had no tools to cope. Kind of like using too much disinfectant around your kids gives them no immunity to bacteria.

I have a problem with the concept of addiction as a disease. Someone who gets measles is just plain unlucky. An addict has a choice… right? We choose to use. Or do we?

Is there such a thing as free will?