Blaze of glory

Nope, not shot down. Not shot up either. But today does mark one month clean. Yeah, I know the last time seemed like the real deal and I would be lying if I said I was not a little disappointed in myself. The holidays are not easy, not for anyone, least of all when you miss your family. Yeah, I know excuses are like assholes, that is why I only have one of them.

No matter what, I am proud of this past month. So booey.

I broke my keyboard

Yeah, I had a tantrum and I bashed my keyboard so now the spacebar only works if you submit it to some serious force. It was mainly due to frustration. Why is it not OK to hack into someone’s server for the express purpose of fixing bugs they refuse to admit their software contains? Seriously, give me access to the code, I will have it working in 5 minutes. I told you people what the problem was, I can tell just by the behavior. Reinitialize your variables, damn you. No, deleting my .ini files does not help because the problem is SERVER SIDE NOT CLIENT SIDE YOU RETARDS.

Yeah.

Bravery and valor

“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”
“That is the only time a man can be brave.”

- George R R Martin

I guess this blog is a form of bravery for me. Of late, I have been putting myself out there along with all my many flaws and I find myself thinking maybe that was not such a hot idea, but these past couple months have been challenging and left me little time or energy to indulge in madly backpedaling to show off my thenthitive thide.

Now Jenna informs me that this blog has made some top 10 adoption blog list somewhere. I must admit to an initial moment of panic – this blog contains way too much fluff to appear in the company of people like Nicole, Claud and Jenna. My immediate thought was that I should start writing to change the world, like they do. That I need to change my style and subject matter to be respectable and thought-provoking and all that. And then I thought it all sounded too hard, and maybe I should just shut my blog down and be done with it. All this because someone linked to my site? Yeah. I was afraid. Afraid that I was not good enough.

Fear of inadequacy is a longstanding theme in my adoption saga. I am a completely different person around Sprog’s family because I feel so inadequate in their company. Conversation is stiff and awkward, I turn into a child, or maybe a Labrador puppy, constantly seeking their approval. I feel I can never measure up to their experience and stability. Consequently, I now have a well-developed terror of parenting.

Nelson Mandela once said “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

Maybe that is the truth of it. Parents have ultimate power over a child. Having the power to totally screw someone else’s life scares the hell out of me. But I will forge ahead bravely.

Sometimes I forget…

 

I am mine

The selfish, they’re all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

The North is to South what the clock is to time
There’s east and there’s west and there’s everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I’ll die
The in between is mine
I am mine

And the feeling, it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significant, behind the eyes
There’s no need to hide
We’re safe tonight

The ocean is full ’cause everyone’s crying
The full moon is looking for friends at hightide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow’s denied
I only know my mind
I am mine

And the meaning, it gets left behind
All the innocents lost at one time
Significant, behind the eyes
There’s no need to hide
We’re safe tonight

And the feelings that get left behind
All the innocents broken with lies
Significance, between the lines
(We may need to hide)

And the meanings that get left behind
All the innocents lost at one time
We’re all different behind the eyes
There’s no need to hide

-Pearl Jam