Lamia cannot yet sit without support. And even with support, she has a tendency to slump one way or another. Most of the babies her age that we know are sitting on their own now, but she looks to be a million years from doing it. So we called Sprog’s parents to ask when he did it. THEY COULD NOT REMEMBER!
I know, he is their third kid. I am sure they meticulously recorded their first son’s every move, but Sprog is the third child and I guess by then they were a little busy and had been through it all before. Despite knowing this, it cuts deep that Sprog’s firsts could mean so little to them. They meant everything to us, and we missed them all. Sure, we got pictures. But a bunch of pictures every three months… well, he could have started sitting anytime from 6 to 9 months, and that is a long stretch at this point in babyhood.
I know they love Sprog. I know they do. But this cold little voice keeps telling me it is not enough. That we would have cherished his every move, as we do Lamia’s. That we would have a zillion deathly boring home movies of him lying on his back playing with his feet for the thousandth time. That he belongs here with us.
So we started making valiant attempts to feed Lamia pureed fruit and vegetables a few weeks ago. Frustrating. She hates everything. She just kind of sits there with this oh-my-god-what-the-fuck-is-this-shit look on her face, holding the food in her mouth until you let your guard down, and then she flicks it out with her tongue. And no, it is not that tongue reflex thing. She actually does know how to swallow… because she will eat pears just fine. Oh yeah, pears are the bomb. This kid would eat all the pears in the world. Can a human being survive on a diet of pears?
And no, sneaking other stuff into her pears does not work.
Thank you to those who have shown their support of Reason (ie, support of Me). Just thought I would add this info which I picked up from the clinic when we had Lamia vaccinated. Quite interesting. This is just one of the vaccines Lamia has had so far.
Diphtheria - contagious bacteria spread by droplets; causes severe throat and breathing difficulties
Effects of disease: About 1 in 15 patients dies. The bacteria release a toxin, which can produce nerve paralysis and heart failure.
Side effects of vaccination: DTaP vaccine: About 1 in 10 has local inflammation or fever. Serious adverse events are very rare.
OK. So if we vaccinate her, she has a 10% chance of fever and some inflammation. Awww, poor kid. If we do not vaccinate her she has a 0% chance of inflammation or fever, but a ~6.5% chance of death. Well shit, I would hate for her to get inflamed, and the chances of her dying are almost half that of fever and inflammation, so it is way better for her to die…. I mean really, what kind of fucktard thinks this way?
On the upside I guess they are all up for Darwin Awards.
For the sake of having something to call her in this blog, other than “my daughter”, I shall henceforth refer to my parented child as Lamia, because she possesses my soul.
So, on to public health. This may become a rant, and it may piss some people off. Lamia is vaccinated, and if you do not vaccinate, you probably want to stop reading right here.
Do not say I did not warn you.
OK.
Those self-righteous, SELFISH pricks who do not vaccinate their kids irritate me beyond belief. Their logic for not vaccinating? No reason to, because the incidence of disease is so low, and the vaccination might affect their child adversely, so why take the risk? On the surface it sounds reasonable, until you realize THE INCIDENCE OF DISEASE IS LOW BECAUSE THE REST OF US ARE VACCINATING OUR KIDS, YOU IDIOT! These parasites are relying on you and me to put our children at risk in order to keep their children safe. Worse still, the spread of this way of thinking could cause a public health crisis, as the number of people vaccinating dwindles, causing incidence of disease to increase. Your responsibility is to your child, yes, but it is also to the community you live in. What happens in your community affects your child also, so yank your head out of the sand and go do your piece for humanity.
I have not seen Sprog in almost two years. Worse still, I have no desire to do so. Yeah. I suck.
Last time I saw Sprog, things ended badly. Things started badly also (I was in withdrawal so I looked and felt pretty sick) but they ended worse (I left for 2 hours to attend a NA meeting but made a detour to get high with a friend and never went back). That is the last time I saw him.
I guess that is part of the reason I have no desire to visit. I find the thought of facing him, after letting him down like that, hard to deal with. Scared of rejection, you know. But also, there is my daughter. I am concentrating all my energy on getting things right with her. Which of course means I am more likely to screw the relationship up totally by being one of those helicopter parents. If she cries, my gut screws up, and I feel like her distress is some kind of failure on my part. I have to fix it for her, because I am Daddy, and Daddy fixes stuff. With this kid, fixing stuff is my job. MY job. With Sprog, fixing stuff is someone else’s job. And so I do not feel like I have anything to contribute to his life. Spending time working on my relationship with Sprog reduces the time I have available to spend with my daughter, so I am short-changing her if I think about Sprog.
Some might argue that Sprog does need me in his life. But he already has a dad. Why should he get a dad and a half and leave my daughter with only half a dad?
I think Nicole wrote about something like this awhile ago. At the time, I thought dividing time between the two made perfect sense. But now I am living it? Not so sure.
A few nights ago I was watching American History X. I had my daughter on my lap. Now, this is a pretty brutal film in parts, and as I sat there letting her watch the pretty colored lights, I wondered at what point it stops being pretty lights and becomes terrifying images. Have I scarred her for life already? She definitely seems to prefer Dora the Explorer, but is that just because the colors are brighter and the voices are happier? Am I scaring her with the sounds already? She gets upset when I yell at the dog for trying to lick her feet, so I guess she does not like the angry. Maybe I should be pausing the DVD while she is there. It would take three weeks to watch a movie that way, but I have to wonder.
It gets me to wondering… what did Sprog’s parents do? I want to ask them, but on the other hand the last thing I want to do is ask them for parenting advice, and yes my reasoning behind that is irrational, I know it. I feel like I cannot ask anyone about parenting because it proves that I am not fit to be a parent, and the minute someone finds that out, someone will be knocking on my door to take my baby away.
Oh yeah, and do not talk to me about cot death. Honestly, how many parents sit and watch their kid for 10 minutes every hour to make sure she is breathing?
On the sane side of life though, happy one year sobriety anniversary to me!
Sunday will mark one year of sobriety. Just a few weeks ago I was marveling at how easy I was finding it. But now, my fingers are itching, and there is nothing I want more than to get wasted. Funny how this seems to happen right when you come close to a milestone. I have a secret weapon this time though, and one smile from her could avert a nuclear war.
She is four months old now. Her hobbies include: jamming an entire fist in her mouth, indiscriminate kicking, high pitched squeals and giggling.
And now for something completely different.
Why do I like this song? This band looks and sounds like an obsidian-clad Abba after a few days of heavy drinking.
I almost pissed myself when they started doing the synchronized guitar-thrust. Oh, and the last few notes sound suspiciously like Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”.
I am absolutely, irretrievably in love. My daughter is the most beautiful creature to ever lay helplessly on the face of this earth.
I am also so tired that I forgot to take my glasses off before I got in the shower and did not realize until the steam misted over the lenses and I was unable to see.
